I’ve been having some rather lucid and unsettling dreams of late. Prior to last week I hadn’t had a nightmare in years, now I seem to have one most evenings. I quite like nightmares, not because I take pleasure in seeing my own death, but because I like waking up and realising they’re not real.

So let us begin with last night’s dream. I was in a PE lesson swimming in the sea. There were hundreds of people in the sea with me but I could only recognise a few of them- Amanda was there, so too was the cunt who got my teaching assistant job, and a few people from school. It was some kind of race and I started to lag behind. The PE teacher kept saying “hurry up, hurry up!” but I couldn’t keep up with them. It was as if something was slowing me down.

The pack of swimmers eventually swam so far ahead of me that I couldn’t see them and I was left alone in the dark water. There was nothing to swim towards- there was no shoreline and no herd of swimmers to follow. There didn’t seem much point in carrying on swimming so I decided to give up and let myself sink to the bottom of the sea.

I pictured my funeral as I drowned. I had a blue coffin and the church was virtually empty. A vicar was standing at a lectern but he couldn’t think of anything to say about me so he just stood in silence.

Then I woke up from my dream gasping for air.

Psychoanalyse that, or rather don't.